When I’m in the grocery store with the kids, other shoppers sometimes make small talk with us. All over the store, I’m chatting and smiling while people wave and make mindless chit chat with me, on account of my adorable fucking children. If I’m in the store by myself might I add, people don’t give me the time of day, but I digress. Don’t you people know that my son has a pissy diaper? That we’re WAY overdue for naptime? I’ve got to be in, and I’ve got to be out. So, I’ve come up with a way to cut these shopper convos off quick, with minimal effort on my part. When a person starts up a convo, I sneak in a simple question. I ask my toddler to recite her A,B,Cs.

Now, you’re probably thinking, wtf is so special about that?

Glad you asked.

Little do they know, I taught my daughter a lil’ game called “Monster A,B,Cs”. Hmmm, what’s that, you ask? Another great question. Basically, you say the alphabet, but you change your voice to sound like a mean, old, scary, monster.

So fast forward to aisle 5. This hunched back, sweet old lady is checking out my kids, mumbling how cute they are and I start thinking shit, this is gonna take up at least 3-5 minutes. So I say, “Sophia, can you do A, B, Cs for her…?”

Sophia begins monster-speaking, very loudly I might add, the A, B, Cs in this old lady’s face. For reference, think of how the character Danny “Doc” Torrance sounds in “The Shining” when he spoke with his index finger. The old lady looks confused as shit. But it worked. Another one bites the dust. She walked off, quite frightened, but it’s all good. I look at it as a win-win. I can get on with my shopping and the old lady doesn’t need her heaping spoonful of Metamucil today, as I’m pretty sure she shit herself over in aisle 6.

How does your grocery shopping go? Tell us!