Fart. It’s such a gross word. Say it right now. “FART”.

Eww, you’re gross for saying it.

Just kidding! Farting isn’t and shouldn’t be the embarrassing thing that we all make of it. Farting is crazy fun! You can even use Farting as a way of saying “Hello”, or “Goodbye”, or possibly even “Fuck You” to that special someone in your life.

Of course, pregnancy can certainly kick gas into high gear. And after the baby, it doesn’t stop. Your farts may grow with your child, into a more fragrant, more domineering, more supple gas. Sometimes they just come out and we can ‘t help it. So try and be easy on yourself bleeping mom! Farting can be musical!

Here’s a few songs that I think farts would make a great musical accompaniment at any dinner party, class reunion, or any general event where your ass can bring the fun: Note: Depending on how advanced a farter you are, you may want to start at the Beginner Level, and work your way up.

Beginner Level:

Jingle Bells: Toot, Toot, Toot, Toot, Toot, Toot, Toot, Toot, Toot, Toot, Toot. This one should be fairly easy. And it’s obviously great for the holidays. Get practicing now, so you can look good when you crank this one out at hubby’s holiday office party.

Tip: Eat extra beans before performing this one.

Intermediate Level:

The Alphabet

It seems easy, but you need a lot of patience to make this melody work. Sometimes I keep a whoopee cushion nearby in case I need assistance. Otherwise, the song is ruined.

Tip: Don’t force it, let it come out natural-like. And make sure you keep a window open for air circulation.

Expert Level:

Led Zepplin

Stairway To Heaven

I’m not gonna lie, this one is VERY difficult. The intro alone may kill you. Do your best. We’re rootin’ for ya.

Tip: Eat 4 bowls of chili (Critical), and wait an hour before you perform, (Key). Have change of underpants on hand. (Optional)

Best of luck to you. Best of luck to your ass. And best of luck to the poor, poor individuals who will witness it.

If you’re still cringing on the topic of farting, here’s 10 Fart Facts by Jessica Booth via www.gurl.com that will have you scratching your head, and reaching for some Beano.

1: Smelling Farts Can Maybe Cure Cancer

As gross as it sounds, maybe we should all start smelling farts a little bit more. A very recent study that just came out this past weekend says that smelling farts (in small doses) can be good for our health. A fart is made of hydrogen sulfide gas, and scientists say that smelling small whiffs of it here and there can reduce the risk of cancer, strokes, heart attacks, arthritis, and dementia. Start smelling!

2: Holding In A Fart Is NOT Dangerous

It was previously believed that holding in farts is bad for your health. Not so! Studies have found that it’s okay to hold in a fart… it’s just pretty uncomfortable. Doing so causes unnecessary stomach cramps and pain. Keeping the gas inside won’t make it smell worse either. So, if you have to fart, let it out! Unless you’re around your crush and you can’t. Then hold it until you’re on your own and can let go.

3: You Can Eat Differently To Prevent Farting

Everyone farts, and everyone will fart during the day, but there are some things you can do if you find yourself passing gas a little bit too much. Since a fart is essentially trapped air, you can prevent it by chewing with your mouth closed, eating slowly, and not gulping down food or liquid like a maniac. Things that cause farting (besides certain foods): chewing gum, smoking, and sucking on candy – all of these things cause you to swallow more air than usual.

4: On Average, People Fart 14 Times A Day

Like I said, we all fart. The average human farts about 14 times a day (even if you don’t hear or smell it). And, yes, men and women fart the same amount, even though it seems like guys do it a lot more. Also? If you hold your farts in, they’ll just come out at night while you’re sleeping, super sneaky like.

5: Some Foods Will Make You Fart More and Make Them Smell Worse

Certain foods will make you pass gas more often. For example, drinking carbonated drinks is basically asking for farts. And certain foods will also make your farts smell worse. The more sulfur-rich your diet is, the worse your farts will be. Some examples of foods with a lot of sulfur are beans, cabbage, eggs, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, and cheese.

6: Farts Are Caused By Trapped Air

What IS a fart? It’s gas, and it’s caused by trapped air. This can come from so many different things, and we’ve already explained a few of them. Trapped air can be air that we’ve swallowed while chewing or drinking. It can be caused by gas coming into our intestines from our blood, or gas produced by chemical reactions in our body.

7: Only 1 Percent Of A Fart Smells

Farts have a reputation for being smelly and gross. In fact, that’s really all most of us associate them with. But actually, a fart is only made up of 1 percent of smelliness. Everything else is odorless gas.

8: Farts Really Are Flammable

It’s a common gag joke that farts are flammable… but they really actually are! The methane and hydrogen that is in a bacteria-produced fart makes them very flammable. It’s very dangerous, so please don’t stick lighters near your butt.

9: ‘Fart’ Is One Of The Oldest Words

Can you believe that the word “fart” and what it means has been around for basically forever? In fact, “fart” is one of the oldest English words ever! The immediate roots for the word are in Middle English words like ferten, feortan or farten.

10: Men Are More Likely To Fart In The Morning

I’m not sure why, but studies have shown that guys are most likely to fart in the morning. Interesting! Stay away from your BF before he goes to the bathroom in the AM, girls.