If you want to get out of hosting the holidays at your house this year, here’s what you do in 4.5 Easy Steps:

1: Tell everyone that you may, or may not poison the food.

2: Do a half-smile and wink 3 times.

3: Say, “I’m serious, though.”, and wink once.

4: Fake cough.

4.5: Pivot turn, and run away in SLOW motion.

You will probably never be asked to host anything. Ever. Again.

You’re welcome.